


Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

by Trixyaas



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1910s, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lesbian AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-12-17 18:07:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11856837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trixyaas/pseuds/Trixyaas
Summary: Katya almost cries when she first feels American ground beneath her feet.It's 1915 and Russia is in the midst of fighting a war that Katya doesn't understand and doesn't care about. She sails of to the USA full of hopes and full of dreams, trying to get away from the world she's lived in, and finds herself working for Mr. Mattel and his family. There she meets his daughter, Trixie, who is a conceited brat and a bitch - but she's also really hot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Ken Follett's "Fall of Giants" and possibly Downton Abbey. The title is taken from the The Smiths song.  
> I did google a lot of stuff and I've read books about ww1 but I don't claim that this is historicaly correct at all.  
> It also doesn't focus on the war so there won't be any gruseome and violent scenes. It's mainly just gay.  
> Thanks for reading! - Julie

1915-1916

 

Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova had decided a long time ago, that the only good thing about Russia was the Vodka.  
She hates the rest. Hates the cold, hates the Tsar and his family and hates the poverty. She hates working in the loud factory, earning next to no money. It had all become worse when the war started. Katya doesn't care for politics and she didn't understand why her country had to join the war when some crown prince, that wasn't even Russian, had been shot.  
But Russia joined the war and it had all been downhill from there. She earns less money while the food prices are rising mercilessly. Money is tight and it isn't unusual that she goes to bed hungry. Katya lives on the bare necessities, only buying the things she absolutely needs to survive. The rest is tucked neatly in an old, rusty tin box that she hides away under a loose floorboard in her cold, tiny flat. No one knows it's there, but then again Katya doesn't talk to a lot of people to begin with. Her parents both died and Katya never misses them. She hasn't seen her two brothers in years, for all she knows the war has gotten them and they are laying dead in a ditch somewhere.  
Sometimes she picks up women in the bar down the street, the one where women go to pick up women. She never speaks with them, though. The only one who knows of her plans to leave the county is Sasha, who could be considered her only friend. She's the only one who stays after they fuck, the only one who asks questions and the only one who cares. Sasha says that she will miss her when she's gone but Katya doesn't care. She doesn't allow herself to become sentimental or to grow attached.  
So when she finally has the money to buy the cheapest ticket to America she can find, she doesn't tell her. She never says a word and on the day her ship is departing, she leaves at the brink of dawn, before the sun comes out, never saying goodbye, never looking back.  
She leaves with nothing but a small bag of clothes. She's stuffs her ticket down the front of her dress, not wanting to loose it. She barely has any money left, she wouldn't be able to buy a loaf of bread right now, but she knows that once she's in America everything will be better. She'll earn enough money to support herself and to never be hungry again. Maybe she'll send some of it to Sasha so she can follow her to the land she has heard so many stories about. 

Katya's cabin is on the lowest floor of the ship and she knows that if the boat sinks, they will be the ones to die first, the ones that are worth the least. They are the peasants that somehow got their hands on enough money to afford the tickets. She doesn't care. By now she prefers death to a life in Russia.  
She shares a cabin with seven other women who try to make conversation with her but Katya doesn't want to talk to them, doesn't want to be connected to anything Russian ever again. She knows that the women are only being friendly and polite and that her reaction is completely unjustified but she can't help it.  
Instead she makes friend with an American man named Robbie. Robbie speaks only broken Russian but he understands most of the things she's saying. He teaches her English over countless games of poke, useful phrases that she will need once she's finally in the USA. He teaches her how to introduce herself and how to ask for a job. Katya's lucky that she's smart. She picks up the language easy and quick and she soon can hold a full conversation. Her accent's thick and she often forgets the articles but Robbie says that her pronunciation is good and that she will have no trouble finding work. 

When the ship finally reaches the coast of Alaska and Katya sets her feet on American ground for the first time, she has to choke back tears. It doesn't look much different from Russia, it's still cold and there are patches of snow that hasn't melted but to Katya it feels different. She feels liberated somehow and she knows that this is utter bullshit but she pretends to recognize that the air smells different too. In reality the air smells like the black smoke the ship is blowing from its three big funnels but Katya still turns around to Robbie, grinning, saying that she already loves America.  
She is ready to say her goodbyes but then Robbie asks her if she wants to come with him.  
He says that Alaska is the place where all the Russians are staying, that there are less in Seattle where he lives and works. Katya knows that he is a tailor and that he has his own little shop where he makes clothes for people richer than him.  
Katya knows that she should be weary and that she shouldn't just blindly follow a stranger, a man she barely knows, but the prospect of fewer Russian people around and of more English lessons are just too compelling to her. So she agrees and her and Robbie move to Washington and now Katya can really see the differences between Russia and America.  
Seattle is very green, there are a lot of trees and it rains almost constantly. Katya loves it. She's moved in with Robbie but she's staying in a different room. At first she helped in the shop, cleaning up behind him and Robbie has not only taught her English but also how to sew. When she feels like her English is good enough, she goes to a local diner and asks for a job. To her surprise she actually gets it and now she's leaving the house every morning to wash plates. She earns much more than in the factory in Russia but she gives most of it to Robbie as rent. She only keeps a small amount but she's saving it, to eventually be able to leave again, to go somewhere new. She knows that America is big, not as big as Russia, but she still wants to see more of it.  
Robbie never tries to sleep with her and Katya is relieved but also feels a little bit insulted by it. But when Robbie brings home a man for the first time it all starts to make sense to her.

When Robbie takes her with him to the bar for the first time Katya stays completely sober. She doesn't touch anything to drink, not wanting to risk missing anything. She doesn't dance or talk to anyone either, she just sits there taking everything in.  
She watches the men dance with men and the women dance with women. They all look American and she briefly thinks of Sasha and of how much she would love it here but then a tall brunette catches her eye and she watches her for the rest of the evening.  
She starts visiting the bar regularly, sometimes with, sometimes without Robbie. She kisses many American women and dances with even more of them. She soon decides that she prefers them to Russian women. Most of them are curvier, bigger, not so skinny like herself.  
Sometimes she takes them home with her and they fuck; she knows that Robbie doesn't mind. Katya actually talks to the women she picks up and sometimes they stay for breakfast. She enjoys the intimacy but she never falls in love with any of them.  
It's nice when there are four people sitting in Robbie's small kitchen, chatting and laughing happily. But Katya soon notices that Bob, a dark skinned, tall, man who talks very loudly makes more appearances. She notices that he sometimes doesn't leave and just stays the next night. She notices that it's just Bob at some point, never any other men.  
Sure, she's hooked up with women more than once. Her and Laila, a tiny tiny woman, get together quite often and she always stays to talk to Robbie and Bob but Katya sleeps with other women as well and she knows that Laila does too.  
Katya knows that Bob would never ask her to leave but she starts feeling like an intruder when she's sitting in the kitchen or visiting Robbie at the shop and Bob's there.  
So one day she tells Robbie she's moving out. Her English has become quite good, you can still hear the accent but Katya knows most of the words and she knows the grammar. She's saved up enough money to buy a train ticket but her heart still shatters when Robbie hugs her goodbye and starts crying. Bob wraps an arm around him for comfort and Katya admires what they have. It's not easy for them. Bob is black and they are both men so their relationship needs to be hidden and with Katya gone, it's going to be harder for them.  
Most of their neighbors assumed that Robbie and Katya were a couple. She knows that they were rumors that they got married in Russia and neither of them ever did anything to let them believe otherwise. It was working out for both of them favorably and Katya feels bad about the scandal she's going to cause by leaving. 

 

March 1916

Somehow Katya finds herself in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  
She applies for a job at the Mattel mansion and is hired to work there as a maid.  
Mr. Mattel owns a factory in the city and Katya doesn't know what they manufacture but apparently it's going well because their mansion is way too big. He is a fat man, with no neck and a beefy fingers and a huge mustache.  
“You need to be careful, girl”, Ginger warns her on her first evening there after she's been introduced to the other servants, “his hands like to go where they don't belong. He can't keep them to himself.” If Katya hadn't been scared of him before, she was now.  
“What about his wife?”, Katya asks and the cook lets out a humorless laugh.  
“She's happy that it ain't her he's touching”, she says, “they probably only fucked once anyway, thank the Lord. I don't wanna imagine two of their princesses running around here.” Ginger has a foul mouth, and Katya likes that. She likes that Ginger isn't eager to please, that she's herself. She's sure that she wouldn't speak like that in front of the Mattels and she probably doesn't speak like that with Miss Davis but this is her kitchen and she makes clear that she's in charge, that she can talk however she wants.  
“They have daughter?”, Katya asks confused. She only saw Mrs. Mattel when she arrived in the morning to move into the small room she was going to share with Roxanne, another amid. Mrs. Mattel looked equally as heavy as her husband, although she looked a lot warmer and friendlier. She had stopped Miss Davis, who was in charge of the servants and took it upon herself to show her around.  
“Who is this? The new maid?”, she had asked and Katya had looked down devotedly.  
“Yes, this is Katya”, Miss Davis had explained and Mrs. Mattel had given her a warm smile.  
“Welcome, Katya”, she had said and Katya had curtsied like she had been told.

“They have a daughter and she is the most spoiled brat ever put on this earth”, Ginger explains while she dries of pots with a towel, “that girl has never worked a day in her life. All she ever does is complain.”  
“She does not sound very nice”, Katya says and Ginger snorts, “what is her name?”  
“Beatrice”, Ginger says, “but we all call her Trixie here. Don't let her hear that, though.”  
“Trixie”, Katya repeats. Her accent comes out strong when saying the word and Ginger chuckles.  
“So who are ya sharing a room with?”, she asks. They're almost alone in the kitchen, there is only one of the Butlers whose name Katya has forgotten, sitting a bit further away from them, reading the paper. It is late and Katya wants to go to bed, knowing that she'll have to be up early in the morning, but she doesn't want to be rude and she could use a friend. Ginger is nice, a bit snappy but Katya appreciates that. She is a round, tiny woman with brown hair. Katya can't place her accent and the way she pronounces some words makes it difficult to understand her sometimes but she is just happy that someone is talking to her at all.  
“Her name is Sara”, she says and Ginger laughs again.  
“Sara”, she says, “well, good luck with that. She can be a handful.”  
“Should I be worried?”, Katya asks but Ginger shakes her head laughing.  
“Nah, you'll be fine. Just stay out of her way.”  
Katya worries anyway. 

When she enters the room, Sara, is already asleep. Katya does her best to stay quiet to not disturb the sleeping woman in the bed next to hers.  
The mattress is hard but it's not the least comfortable thing Katya has ever slept on.  
The covers are itchy but Katya falls asleep quickly. She doesn't dream that night but she hardly ever does.

Sara wakes her up in the morning by shaking her rather ungentle. But Katya just smiles at her, determined not to make any enemies.  
They work next to each other in mostly silence, dusting the great entrance hall and cleaning the fireplace. Sara orders her around, telling her what to do and Katya knows that they are coequal and hat Sara isn't superior to her in any way, but she just bites her tongue, smiles politely and does whatever Roxy tells her to do.  
When they are done cleaning, they go into the kitchen where they have breakfast with the other servants. Ginger seems to be in a good mood and Katya soon realizes that breakfast time means gossip time. None of the servants seem to be particularly fond of the Mattel family. The maids complain about Mr. Mattels groping and about Mrs. Mattel being oblivious and unorganized.  
The name “Trixie” is used like an insult in the kitchen and Katya soon learns that the Mattel daughter is a “snobbish bitch”, as Ginger puts it delicately. She becomes a little nervous because she is supposed to clean Trixie's room later and she's worried about doing something wrong. But Ginger pats her on the back and tells her that it's going to be alright.  
Ginger has taken on the role of the mother, Katya realizes and while Miss Davis is technically the one in charge, the real boss seems to be Ginger.  
She misses Robbie and Bob, even Laila. She misses Sasha as well, though she doesn't often allow herself to think of her. But she feels like she's going to do fine working here with Ginger.

Trixie's room is ginormous. It's at least four times the size of the small chamber Katya and Sar share. There's a huge bed in the center of it and Katya can't resist to sit on it before making it. The mattress is just the right amount of softness and she has to force herself to stand up again.  
A big table with a mirror is standing opposite of the bed. A golden brush lies on it and Katya can see a few long, blonde stray hairs tangled in it. There are various pots of different creams lined up and a box with red blush. She can't resist to pick up one of the creams. It smells of lavender and Katya inhales deeply. Back in Russia she's never smelled lavender. She didn't even know it existed, it was too cold in the part where she lived for anything to really grow. The first time she smelled it was in Seattle and Robbie had laughed at her for being so overwhelmed by the scent.  
Suddenly the door swings open and Katya almost drops the pot.  
A young woman, who can only be Trixie, enters the room. She stops abruptly when she sees Katya who is still holding the cream. Trixie's hair is blonde, like her mothers but it is thicker and longer. She's wearing a rose-colored dress, which hugs her curves and her cheeks are red from the blush. She isn't as big as her parents but she also isn't skinny like Sasha or Katya herself.  
She looks American, Katya thinks. She also looks angry.  
“What do you think you're doing?”, she asks and points at the pot of cream in Katya's hand.  
“Are you stealing?”, she says in a shrill voice and Katya quickly shakes her head.  
“No I-”, she starts, “I was just looking I swear. I came to clean your room.”  
“You're the new maid?”, Trixie asks, she talks like she knows that she's above Katya and Katya nods timidly. She slowly sets the cream back onto the table. She's worried that Trixie might fire her. She only just got the job, all her money has been spend on the train ticket here. She has nowhere to go and she can feel tears forming in her eyes. She quickly blinks them away.  
“What's your name?”, Trixie says harshly.  
“My name's Katya”, she answers and Trixie grimaces.  
“Where are you from? Russia?”  
Katya nods and Trixie raises her eyebrow.  
“If you ever touch anything that belongs to me again”, she says, “I will make sure that you're going back there immediately. Understand?”  
Katya nods again, not daring to say anything.  
Trixie turns around without saying another word and leaves the room.

Katya tells Ginger about her interaction with Trixie in the evening.  
“You poor girl”, Ginger laughs and she gives Katya an extra big bowl of soup, to calm her nerves.  
Katya doesn't sleep well that night, she tosses and turns and barely manages to close her eyes. It shows when Sara wakes her up at 4 the next morning. She knows she has dark circles under her eyes and she feels like dying. She works slower than the day before and it gives Roxy the opportunity to sneer at her. She still doesn't talk back, she doesn't want to upset her. Ginger said she could be a handful and Katya can only imagine what it would be like to have the girl as an enemy. She isn't very keen on finding out and she continues to scrub the floor in silence. 

Around noon she has trouble keeping her eyes open but then she is instructed by Miss Davis to help her serve tea to Mr. Mattel who is having guests and suddenly she is wide awake. Katya knows that they are short staffed and that under normal circumstances the new girl would never be told to do such an important job.  
The servants do represent the house and Miss Davis has warned her to not say anything, to fade into the background, to not make a fool out of herself. Katya will just be standing there, carrying things. She wont have to actually pour the tea but she is nervous nonetheless.  
She walks behind Miss Davis to the library where Mr. Mattel is sitting with three other men. One is tall and his hair is gray, Katya guesses he might be in his sixties. The second man looks a bit like a turtle, he has a long wrinkly neck. The third man, sitting on the couch next to Mr. Mattel looks like he doesn't belong there. He is young, probably younger than her, and while Katya might prefer the company of women, even she is able to tell that he is very handsome.  
Katya only notices the two women sitting further away from the men when the door is already closed behind her. Trixie and a skinny girl with long black hair are talking in hushed voices to not disturb the men. They don't look up when Katya and Miss Davis come in. The black haired girl is very pretty, though not as pretty as Trixie. She's wearing a light purple dress with a high collar, that wraps tight around her long neck. Katya is staring at the two women and doesn't notice the small table standing in front of her. She trips and lands on her hands and knees, the tray she was carrying flies out of her hand and she can only hear the porcelain shatter and Miss Davis gasping. A single one of these teacups had probably been more expensive then the rent she had paid back in Russia and she had just dropped six of them. Katya can feel the shame rising in her cheeks.  
Miss Davis pulls her up by the arm and Katya doesn't manage to hold back her tears.  
“I'm s-sorry”, she stutters as Mr. Mattel looks at her, angry for having interrupted their meeting.  
“Get out”, Miss Davis hisses at her.  
Katya can hear Trixie and the other girl laugh when she closes the door behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promise”, she demands and Katya almost lets out a laugh at the naivety of the word. Promises can be broken, but Trixie says it in such a demanding voice that leads Katya to think that she really believes in promises. Trixie doesn't know how the real world works, she realizes and she doesn't want to ruin it for her.  
> “Promise”, she says and she can see Trixie relax. It's childish in a away, but also endearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that took so long omg!  
> I moved to London where I will be working as an au-pair and I haven't had much time to write. But the chapters should be coming more frequenly now. At least I hope so haha
> 
> Thank you so much for all the lovely feedback on Chapter One, that really means the world to me!  
> Thanks for reading! - Julie Xx

Katya runs to her room. She doesn't want to go to the kitchen, she knows Ginger is in the midst of preparing dinner and can't be distracted right now. Plus the kitchen should be full of people who are being bossed around by her. And she does not want them to see her like this, a crying mess. She fucked up. She's only been her for three days and she's already managed to offend Trixie and now she embarrassed Mr. Mattel in front of his guests. Katya has no doubt that she's going to be fired. Miss Davis had looked so angry and she doesn't want to think about Mr. Mattel's face. She can still hear the laughter of Trixie and her friend ringing in her ears.  
Katya throws herself onto the uncomfortable mattress. Roxy isn't there, thank god. She could not bare to see her mocking smile right now.  
She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know anyone in Milwaukee, apart from the people working here. She has no money, so she can't go back to Seattle to Robbie. Panic rises in Katya, her breathing becomes quicker and erratic. She can't stop the tears from falling down her face.  
The door opens and Miss Davis enters, without knocking. Her face is stern and she looks at the mess that is Katya with no sympathy or pity.  
“I – I go pack”, Katya says between sobs before Miss Davis can open her mouth.  
“Who told you to do that?”, she asks looking down at Katya.  
Katya blinks confused. She rubs her hands over her eyes to stop the tears from falling.  
“I get fired”, she says, “right?”, her accent is coming through strong, like always when she's nervous and not able to hide it.  
Miss Davis shakes her head, “Under normal circumstances, yes. You would be fired immediately. But we don't have a replacement for you, we have too few people in general. So you're lucky. Now dry your tears and make yourself look presentable. I expect to see you in the great hall in fifteen minutes.”  
Miss Davis turns around on her heel and lets the door fall close behind her.  
Katya is up immediately. She can't believe her luck, can't believe she's not getting fired. She almost trips again, as she runs over to the dirty mirror that is hanging in their chamber, above the small sink. Her eyes are red and puffy and no matter how much cold water she splashes onto her face, she's still able to see that she has been crying. Katya sighs, it will have to do. She remembers Miss Davis's order to come to the great hall and she quickly strokes over her uniform in a unsuccessful attempt to smoothen the fabric that has become wrinkly from lying on the bed.  
Katya wishes she had Vodka. 

When Katya goes to have dinner with the other servants in the evening, Ginger has heard about what happened. Everybody has.  
Sara greets her with a raised eyebrow and a chuckle.  
Tatianna, another maid, avoids eye contact.  
Farrah, the young girl who helps Ginger in the kitchen, just stares at her until Ginger whacks her with the towel she's holding. Katya feels incredibly uncomfortable, knowing that everyone is judging her. She hates the eyes on her and she can feel her face flush red, but she bites her bottom lip and sits down on one of the free chairs.  
“Don't let this get you down”, Ginger breaks the silence, “we all fuck up. Happens to the best of us.”  
“It doesn't, actually”, Sara mumbles loud enough for everyone to hear. A man, who Katya thinks is the chauffeur snorts but then Ginger is standing in front of Sara, arms on her hips, eyebrows raised. She looks intimidating despite the fact that Sara is a head taller than her.  
“No?”, Ginger asks challenging, “didn't you drop that vase in your third week here?”  
Sara blushes and looks away from Ginger, trying to escape her gaze.  
Katya is thankful, that she is standing up for her. She knows that she is lucky, that Ginger likes her. She has had an awful lot of luck lately.  
“Thank you”, she whispers and Ginger gives her a warm smile.  
“Just make sure it wont happen tomorrow”, she says and Katya's head jerks up.  
“What is tomorrow?”, she asks with wide eyes and Ginger groans.  
"Sara didn't tell you, eh?”, she says but it's directed at Sara and not at Katya.  
“I forgot”, she mutters, clearly still upset about Ginger calling her out.  
“The Mattel's are hosting their bimonthly tennis tournament tomorrow. The garden is going to be full of people. And everything needs to be. Absolutely. Flawless”, Ginger punctuates her last words and Katya can feel her stomach tightening. She wonders if the guests who saw her trip earlier will be there, if the dark haired woman who sat with Trixie will stare at her again. It's obvious that she knows that she's better than others, and she's certainly better than Katya.  
“What will I need to do?”, she asks. Her voice is slightly shaking with nervousness.  
“You'll need to offer refreshments, fade into the background and most importantly you have to not drop anything. You think you can manage that?”, Sara chimes in and Katya swallows. She can't mess up tomorrow, otherwise there is no chance in hell, Mrs. Davis won't fire her. Ginger seems to be able to read her thoughts and she puts a heavy hand on Katya's shoulder protectively.  
“You'll do fine, girl”, she says and Katya guesses that her accent might be Southern. She's actually never heard a Southern accent but she remembers Robbie telling her about a man, who spoke in a Southern accent, once. At least she knows that there is such a thing as a Southern accent and it somehow feels comforting to Katya to label things in her head, even if she might be wrong. She can't stand this kind of uncertainty and that's why she decides to name Trixie's dark haired friend as well. In Katya's mind she's called 'Bitch'.

 

Katya watches the long flowing fabric of Trixie's skirt as she jumps up a bit to reach the tennis ball that comes flying her way. Her tennis outfit is all white and she's wearing a big hat that has a pink bow wrapped around it. Katya doesn't know much about fashion, she never cared for pretty dresses or fancy hats and she's glad that she doesn't have to decide what to wear anymore. Each morning she puts on her maid costume, no accessories and definitely no hats.  
Katya was nervous when she spotted the Bitch earlier that morning, afraid that she might make a rude comment or laugh, but she didn't even acknowledge her. She just went straight past her, nose high in the air, not even bothering to glance at the servants. Now she's up against Trixie and from what Katya can tell she's winning. It looks effortless when she hits the ball, she never has to reach for the ball or jump and when she does it just looks elegant.  
Trixie on the other hand is struggling a bit. She misses the ball more often or hits it into the net. Everytime the game is interrupted by a mistake she's made, Katya expects the Bitch to roll her eyes or to laugh at her but she never does. She just smiles at Trixie and offers her advice on how to hold the racket.  
They've stopped playing, Katya is sure that the Bitch has won, and now they're heading in Katya's direction. Their arms are linked and they're chatting happily. For a second Katya is confused, worried even, about them approaching her, but then she realizes that she's holding a tray with glasses of lemonade. They take one each, and they don't even look at her, as if she wasn't there. As if she was a piece of furniture that doesn't need any attention.  
But Katya is actually kind of glad. The last thing she needs is for the Bitch to recognize her.  
Katya realizes that the two of them have taken the last glasses of lemonade and she's glad to have an excuse to go to the kitchen for refills. She knows Ginger is going to be there, probably stressed out because of all the people she needs to feed today. Katya almost feels sorry for Farrah. She doesn't know Ginger very well but she can imagine how she enjoys bossing the young girl around.  
When she gets to the kitchen, Farrah is stirring a pot while Ginger furiously cuts some potatoes. When she hears the door open, she looks up and spots Katya.  
“You!”, she says in her loud voice, “Be a good Christian and go get me some sage from the garden. Quickly!”, she commands.  
“I-”, Katya stutters, “I don't know where garden is.”  
Ginger groans and throws her hands in the air but she explains it to Katya. She talks very fast and Katya has trouble following her. She's not sure if she understood everything but she's also afraid to ask because Ginger is not in a good mood. So she just sets her empty tray on the table and runs out of the kitchen into the gardens. It's a very sunny day and the Mattel's have a huge property. There's lots of different garden areas where herbs and many different kind of flowers grow that Katya's never seen before. There's a big bush of lavender and Katya stops to inhale the scent. When she turns around the corner to where she thinks the sage grows she stops abruptly.  
“Oh”, escapes her mouth.  
Trixie is being pressed against a tree while the Bitch is kissing her neck. Her lips are slightly parted and her eyes are closed. Her right hand is groping the other girls ass while the nails of her left hand are digging into the bark of the tree. The two girls whip around when they hear Katya.  
“Fuck. Shit. Fuck fuck, Beatrice!”, the Bitch exclaims and Katya actually feels kind of sorry for her. Her eyes are wide with panic and she's gone even paler. She doesn't look like she thinks she's better than Katya anymore. In fact she kind of looks like she wants to cry.  
“Violet, shh, it's okay”, Trixie tries to calm her but Katya sees that she's anxious as well.  
“I'm sorry”, Katya says, “I go now”, she turns around but then she feels a tight grip around her wrist as Trixie spins her around.  
“Wait”, she blurts out even though Katya's stopped walking and is now facing Trixie. She tries to be confident but Katya knows that she's scared. She's been in that position before.  
“You didn't see anything. Okay?”, she says and the grip around her wrists tightens even more. It starts to hurt but Katya doesn't try to pull away.  
“You didn't see anything”, Trixie repeats and Katya nods slowly.  
“I didn't see anything”, she says and Trixie lets go.  
Katya is ready to walk away but then she hears the Bitch, Violet, shriek.  
“That's it?!”, her voice is so high and shrill that it almost hurts Katya's ears, “Trix you can't just let her go like that! She's going to tell someone!”  
“Katya”, Trixie calls and she is surprised that she actually remembers her name, “Katya, wait.”  
She stands still and Trixie comes closer, she grabs one of her wrists and her nails are digging into her skin. It hurts and Katya hisses but Trixie ignores her. Instead she moves in closer and whispers into Katya's ear:“I know people who would kill you without asking questions. I'll make sure your dead body gets back to Russia where it can rot, if you tell anyone.” She lets go and her and Katya's hand falls to her side. She swallows, she didn't expect the other woman to speak in such harsh words. She knows that it's all empty threats, that Trixie probably doesn't know actual killers but she's surprised that she thinks that way.  
Katya hates when her perceptions of people turn out to be wrong, because she thinks, she's quite good at reading them. She had taken Trixie for a spoiled brat, who would never ever do something that wasn't considered to be 'proper'. And now she's caught her being pinned against a tree by a woman and heard her making actual death threats.  
And the same goes for Violet, really. She seemed so confident, little Miss Perfect who just has to bat her eyelashes to get anything she wants. She seemed bitchy and even more conceited than Trixie, but now Katya can see how scared she is. She can hear it in her voice and she can see her fiddling with her fingers and biting her bottom lip nervously.  
Katya actually feels sorry for the both of them. She doesn't like them, despised them even after yesterday's incident but now she sees a more human side of them. That's why she takes a huge risk and puts her hand on Trixie's upper arm and squeezes lightly. It's meant to be comforting but she can feel Trixie stiffen underneath her touch. She doesn't pull away though, maybe she's caught by surprise. So Katya lets her hand rest on her arm. The fabric of her tennis dress feels rougher than it looks and her arm beneath the long sleeves is soft.  
“It's okay”, she says, “I won't tell.”

Katya returns to the kitchen twenty minutes after Ginger has sent her, without the sage. The older woman glares at her but Katya can't worry about that. Her mind keeps wandering to what she just witnessed, and she can feel her heart racing in her chest.  
Trixie Mattel is like her.

She's distracted for the rest of the day, she stands on the side of one of the tennis pitches and doesn't watch the game. She doesn't notice when two of the men who had met with Mr. Mattel the day before, come up to her to grab glasses and she doesn't notice that she's standing there with an empty tray until Tatianna comes and nudges her.  
She's unfocused during dinner and she barely talks to anyone.  
“What's wrong, girl?”, Ginger whispers and Katya looks up.  
“Huh?”  
“Did you see a ghost or something? You've been quiet all day.”  
“I'm fine”, she mumbles but Ginger isn't satisfied with that answer.  
“If it's because I was a bit rude earlier, I'm sorry. Things just get really stressful and sometimes I lash out. But you don't need to take that personally, just ignore me when I get like that.”  
“It's fine”, Katya repeats, “It has nothing to do with you.”  
“Well, if you wanna talk let me know”, Ginger offers and Katya smiles at her weakly.  
“Thank you. You are very kind”, she says and Ginger smiles back. Katya can see that she's worried and her heart hurts a little. There haven't been too many people who worried about her. Her parents sure didn't and neither did her siblings.  
Sasha, maybe but then again, Sasha worried about many many things. She worried about politics and the war and about Katya going to America and she had laughed at her for that.  
She thinks Robbie might have worried about her too, maybe he still does. Katya thinks about writing him a letter to let him know that she's doing okay but then she remembers that she doesn't actually know how to write in English and she knows that Robbie can't read Russian. Maybe she can ask Ginger to help her but she doesn't want her to ask questions when she mentions Bob. She trusts Ginger and she really likes her but she knows that she has to be careful when it comes to that topic. She's met enough people who seemed nice but weren't accepting at all. She knows people who have lost their jobs or their houses, people who have lost their family just for being gay.  
She knows that Trixie and Violet are taking a huge risk. 

 

Courtney is a very pretty, petite blonde. Ginger has told her that she's from Australia and Katya sometimes finds it hard to understand her due to her accent. Katya knows that she's responsible for Trixie's well-being, that she's the one who dresses her in the morning and who does her hair. They haven't spoken much, only simple 'Hello's when they pass each other in the halls, which doesn't happen that often because Katya mainly walks downstairs, whereas Courtney usually spends time with Trixie. Her chamber is on a different floor, closer to Trixie's room and Katya bets it's bigger and prettier than the one she shares with Sara.  
That's why she is surprised when Courtney comes knocking on her door.  
“Miss Mattel has requested to see you”, she says when Katya opens her door and she can hear Roxy sitting up on her bed, not being able to hide her curiosity.  
“Why?”, Katya asks confused and Courtney shrugs.  
“She just told me to come get you”, she says and motions for Katya to follow her.  
Courtney gently knocks on Trixie's door and pulls Katya in behind her.  
Trixie is sitting on her bed and her head jerks up when she hears the two women entering. She's already in her nightgown, it's long and white and she looks almost lost in the plain thing.  
“Thank you Courtney”, she says, “you may leave now.”  
Courtney nods and hushes out of the door, leaving Katya alone with Trixie. She's standing in the big room and suddenly she feels very small. Trixie is still sitting on her bed and is kneading her fingers. Katya can see that she must have a habit of biting her nails, they are short and there are small wounds around them. She wonders if Courtney knows of her and Violet but she doesn't think so. Courtney seems so proper and good, Trixie wouldn't tell her.

“About this afternoon-”, Trixie starts but Katya interrupts her.  
“I didn't see anything”, she says and the other woman looks up confused. Katya bites her lip, she just interrupted her and it's clear that Trixie isn't used to that.  
“You can't tell anyone”, she whispers and it's barely audible. Katya instinctively takes a step forward. She can see tears forming in Trixie's eyes and suddenly she's overcome with a wave of emotion for the girl. She kneels down in front of her and takes her face into her hands.  
“Hey”, she whispers and Trixie looks up, clearly surprised at the intimate gesture. Katya knows that she's on thin ice here, she's once again invading Trixie's personal space but then she can feel her lean in to the touch.  
“It's okay”, she says, “I won't tell.”  
Trixie sniffs once and then she seems to pull herself together because she pulls her face away from Katya's hands. She sits up a bit in forced confidence.  
“Promise”, she demands and Katya almost laughs at the naivety of the word. Promises can be broken, but Trixie says it in such a demanding voice that leads Katya to think that she really believes in them. Trixie doesn't know how the real world works, she realizes and she doesn't want to ruin it for her.  
“Promise”, she says and she can see Trixie relax. It's childish in a way, but also endearing.  
“You can leave”, Trixie says in an attempt to be confident but her voice shakes slightly. So Katya stays on her knees in front of the younger woman.  
Trixie lets her, she doesn't push her away and Katya can hear her breathing fast.  
“Why are you not freaked out by me?”, she asks and Katya looks up. It's almost painful to see Trixie's confidence to be shaken like this and hearing her call herself a freak really gets Katya. It somehow feels wrong. They lock eyes and something in Trixie's head must have clicked.  
“Oh!”, she exclaims, “You are...are you-?”  
“I am”, Katya says and Trixie's eyes widen.  
“Lot's of women are, you'd be surprised”, Katya continues and Trixie's mouth falls open.  
“Lot's of men too”, she adds because it feels right and Trixie closes her mouth again.  
“I never knew anyone besides Violet”, she says and Katya chuckles.  
“I'm sure you do, they just didn't tell you”, she says and Trixie cocks her head slightly as if she was thinking.  
“Probably”, she admits and Katya smiles at her.  
“It's nothing to be ashamed of, Trixie”, she says and the blonde woman lets out a humorless laugh.  
“Yeah I'll say that to my father”, she huffs. Katya feels bad, she has forgotten where Trixie comes from for a moment. Trixie can't just go to the nearest bar to pick up women, she can't just move in with a woman and live with her until one of them dies. She needs to marry a man and she needs to have children to carry on the family name. Katya hasn't really gotten to know Mr. Mattel yet, but from what the other servants have told her, he isn't a very pleasant man.  
She on the other hand could fall in love.  
People don't tend to ask many questions when two women are living together. They could tell people that they were close friends or cousins. Maybe there would be rumors but most people would be too lazy to care. It's different for men, Katya knows that.  
People talk when two men live together, she's heard it herself, while she was working at the diner in Seattle. Robbie and Bob had been the center of many conversations and rumors. The fact that Bob was black and Robbie white, didn't help.  
But two women living together was, generally, uninteresting, not scandalous enough for gossip.  
But that only goes for normal women, Katya thinks, women who don't have a dime to their name. Trixie Mattel on the other hand, would probably inherit millions. Millions that she'd have to bequeath her children. Children that she would have to have with another wealthy man who had a fancy name that meant something to upper class people. 

“I'm sorry”, she whispers and takes Trixie's hands into hers. She knows that there is nothing she can do, even though she wants to.  
“It's not like it's your fault”, Trixie says and she doesn't pull her hands back. She just lets Katya hold them in hers. Trixie's hands are soft and warm, whereas Katya's are rough from all the work she's done in her life. She's never held hands before that were that soft.  
“I just hope Violet is doing well”, Trixie sighs. Katya feels bad, because she's almost forgotten about her.  
“Are you in love?”, Katya asks and the question somehow makes the air in the room feel heavier. Trixie looks at her for a moment and then she shrugs.  
“How am I supposed to know what love is?”, she asks.  
“I think you just know”, Katya answers and Trixie thinks again for a moment.  
“I don't know”, she says, “Violet can be a bit rude at times.”  
“I call her 'Bitch' in my head”, Katya admits and then she hears Trixie laugh genuinely for the first time. It's more like a scream, then a laugh. Not ladylike, and definitely not perfect. But it still suits her and Katya grins.  
“You are Bitch too”, she blurts out, “but only sometimes.”  
Trixie laughs again and Katya likes making her laugh. In Russia, people didn't laugh much, at least she almost never heard laughter.  
Katya tries but she cannot remember a time where she's ever made another person genuinely laugh before. Sometimes she bit Sasha's thigh or her neck and she would giggle. Sometimes Robbie laughed when she tried to say something in English but couldn't think of the word. Bob just laughed at everything whether it was funny or not. But no one had ever laughed when she has made a joke before. Mainly because, Katya thinks, she's never made a joke before. 

“I think I might be”, Trixie says.  
“What?”, Katya asks, “a bitch?”  
Trixie throws her head back and starts to roar.  
“No”, she says, once she's calmed down again, “well, yes. But that's not what I mean.”  
“What do you mean?”, Katya asks.  
“Be in love with her. Violet. She makes me happy.”  
“That's good”, Katya says and squeezes the hand she's still holding.  
Trixie squeezes back and then she pulls her hands from Katya's.  
“It was good to talk to you”, she says as she stands up. She smooths the fabric of her nightgown and looks uncertain for a moment.  
“You may leave now”, she says and the bossy tone is back in her voice.  
“Are you sure that you don't need anything else?”, Katya asks and she shakes her head.  
“I'm sure. Goodnight Katya.”  
“Goodnight”, she says and turns around. She feels weird, a bit hurt maybe. She let Trixie pour her hear out, she listened and offered advice and now everything seems to be back to where they were in the beginning. Trixie as the spoiled brat who clearly is above Katya, the maid, that did whatever she was told. It doesn't feel right, now that she knows all these things about the younger woman.  
“Oh, and Katya?”  
She turns around hopefully.  
“Yes?”  
“Don't ever call me Trixie again.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls like Trixie don't feel guilt. They don't feel sorry, because they don't think that they could do wrong. Girls like Trixie never have to apologize, they never have to deal with consequences.  
> But then Katya remembers that she was wrong before, and that she shouldn't make assumptions.  
> Because girls like Trixie don't kiss girls like Violet, they don't kiss girls at all. Girls like Trixie don't sneak out of the house to feel another woman's breast, they don't get pinned against trees. Girls like Trixie don't fall in love with women.  
> Except apparently they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said chapters would be updated more regularly? Ha!  
> Thanks for sticking around and I truly am sorry, I just find it hard to find time to write at the moment...  
> Thanks for reading! - Julie Xx

Katya's hands smell of lavender when she makes her way back to her chamber.  
Sara is still awake, of course she is. She has probably been sitting on her small bed wondering what the hell Trixie could have wanted from Katya this late, probably wishing that she would fire her.  
Trixie didn't fire Katya, but it feels like it. Worse even.  
She doesn't cry but she wants to. The tears don't come and it's probably better, regarding the fact that Sara almost jumped up when she had opened the door. Now she's sat up straight on her bed, eyeing Katya like a hawk.  
“What did she want?”, she had asked when Katya came in, but she just shook her head and ignored her.  
“Come on, you have to tell me”, Sara demands as Katya walks over to the small sink to splash some cold water in her face.  
“I'm gonna find out anyway, you know? You could just tell me.” There's silence as Katya keeps ignoring her.  
“I know people, I'm going to find out”, Sara says again and this time Katya finally reacts with a groan.  
“Oh god, can you please shut up?”, she snaps and feels bad immediately afterwards. She had promised herself on her very first night here to not fire back at Roxy, to simply ignore her, to avoid drama.  
Sara raises an eyebrow but keeps quiet.  
They don't talk again that night and they hardly speak to each other the following weeks.

She doesn't see Trixie again for a full week. But the servants love to gossip and so Katya learns one night at dinner, that Trixie apparently has the flu. She doesn't believe it, Trixie is probably scared that Katya is going to break her promise. A tiny part of her hopes that Trixie feels guilty for snapping at her but she quickly washes that thought away.  
Girls like Trixie don't feel guilt. They don't feel sorry, because they don't think that they could do wrong. Girls like Trixie never have to apologize, they never have to deal with consequences.  
But then Katya remembers that she was wrong before, and that she shouldn't make assumptions.  
Because girls like Trixie don't kiss girls like Violet, they don't kiss girls at all. Girls like Trixie don't sneak out of the house to feel another woman's breast, they don't get pinned against trees. Girls like Trixie don't fall in love with women.  
Except apparently they do.

Katya tries to forget that the night ever happened, tries to forget how she held Trixie's hands and how she let her cry. Tries to forget that she comforted her, that she listened. Most importantly she tries to forget how Trixie had shunned her afterwards, how she basically kicked her out. Maybe Katya is overreacting but she doesn't care because slowly her disappointment is turning into anger. 

And then one day, when she has an hour of free time, she finds herself aggressively knocking on Trixie's door. As soon as her hand connects with the hard wood of Trixie's door and she hears the loud noise, she flinches and looks over her shoulder, hoping Courtney hasn't heard her. It would raise way too many questions, Katya shouldn't even be on this floor. Suddenly she becomes aware of what she is doing, that this is a stupid idea, but before she can turn around and run away, the door opens and Trixie is standing in front of her in a long nightgown and messy hair. She has dark circles under her eyes, like she hasn't slept in days and Katya thinks she might have lost weight, but it's hard to tell because of the flowy dress. Maybe she really has been ill, Katya thinks and immediately feels bad for doubting it.  
“Katya”, Trixie says.  
“Beatrice”, she answers, remembering that she is not to call her Trixie, “or would you prefer Miss Mattel?”  
Trixie chooses to ignore this and instead looks her up and down.  
“What are you doing here?”, she finally asks.  
Shit. Katya hadn't thought this far ahead. She doesn't really have a plan and now Trixie's eyes are burning into her skin. She feels herself becoming red.  
“I uh”, she starts but Trixie interrupts her.  
“I'm glad you're here, Katya”, she whispers and grabs her wrist to pull her inside her room, quickly closing the door behind them before anyone can see.  
Katya is surprised, she expected for Trixie to tell her to leave her alone or to not even open the door.  
Actually Katya doesn't know what she expected. But she certainly didn't expect for Trixie to throw her arms around her neck and to start crying.  
Katya stands there a bit helplessly before wrapping her arms around the taller girls body and letting her cry onto her shoulder. She can feel her uniform getting damp from Trixie's tears but she lets her cry and cry and cry until there are no tears left and Trixie has to resort to a breathless sobbing.  
Katya forgets that she's angry almost immediately and lets her hand wander around Trixie's back in what she hopes is comforting.  
“Shh”, she whispers into her blonde hair, “it's okay. I got you.”  
“It's not”, Trixie sobs, “nothing is okay.”  
Katya doesn't know what is going on but then Trixie points to a crumpled piece of paper on her bed and Katya thinks she knows what it is. She picks it up and Trixie's tears have caused some of the ink to smudge, making the neat handwriting appear messier than it actually is. Katya looks at the paper for a while. Then she hands it to Trixie.  
“I can't read English”, she explains and feels a bit stupid, “different letters.”  
“It's from Violet”, Trixie responds. Katya had figured that much but she just nods.  
“She says we shouldn't see each other again. That it's for the better.” Katya had figured that as well but then Trixie starts crying again and Katya stands there unsure of what to do but then Trixie throws herself into her arms again.  
Katya had never been good at comforting people, she had never cared about anyone enough. In Russia you don't complain, you just eat it up. Her parents had never comforted her and she soon had learned that it was better to just keep quiet when something was distressing her.  
But now Trixie was whimpering into her neck and Katya helplessly patted her shoulder again.  
“It's okay Tri-Beatrice. It's okay”, she doesn't know what else to say. 

They stand there, in the middle of the room. Katya doesn't know how much time passes but eventually Trixie calms down.  
“I'm sorry”, the younger woman says and Katya wonders if this is the first time she ever uttered those words.  
“It's okay”, Katya repeats and Trixie shakes her head.  
“It isn't. Nothing is okay. The world is going to shit and I'm here crying all over you.”  
Katya raises an eyebrow when she hears her swear, but she honestly isn't surprised anymore.  
“There are bigger problems than Violet Chachki”,she continues. Katya can tell that she desperately wants to sound like she's over her already but she isn't succeeding. Her voice sounds strained, probably from all the crying and her face looks as if she's in pain.  
“It's okay that you are sad”, Katya says, “you said you love her.”  
“I said I might. And I have decided that I don't. That I didn't, I mean.”  
Katya doesn't know too much about love but she knows that you can't just decide who you fall in love with. She knows that Trixie is probably trying to forget her already and she knows that this is not healthy behavior. But who is she to lecture someone on healthy behavior?

But she doesn't want to discuss with Trixie, especially not now.  
“If you say so”, is all she answers and Trixie nods. She looks like a defiant child again, standing there with her arms crossed over her chest, trying to convince her mother that she didn't take the last cookie.  
Trying to convince Katya that she's over Violet, despite crying in Katya's arms merely five minutes ago.  
“What time is it?”, Katya suddenly asks and she flinches when Trixie tells her. She should have been in the entrance hall ten minutes ago.  
“I'm late”, she says to Trixie apologetically, “Miss Davis is going to be so mad. I am sorry about what happened”, she says and then she rushes out of the door without being dismissed.

“Aaah, Miss Zamo”, they have given up on trying to pronounce Katya's surname, “so nice of you to join us”, Miss. Davis voice is full of sarcasm. Normally Katya isn't great at identifying sarcasm but this time she gets it immediately. How could she not. Miss. Davis' face is stern and her eyebrows are raised which is never a good sign.  
“One week without any incidents, we should have known this was bound to happen”, she continues and Katya bites the inside of her cheek. She can hear Roxy snickering. She knows that the only reason why Miss Davis hasn't fired her yet is because they are short staffed. The older woman would probably side with Sara, hoping that Katya would leave rather sooner than later.  
“Apologies, Miss Davis”, a voice behind her suddenly says and she whips around.  
Trixie is still in her nightgown and her hair still looks a mess. Her eyes are still a bit red and puffy but it isn't too obvious.  
“I asked Katya to help me with something and required her service longer than expected”, Trixie lies and Katya's mouth almost falls open. She had not expected for the younger woman to help her, especially not given the way she currently looked. She usually wore more make up than most women and she never left her room without being styled to perfection.  
“Of course Miss Mattel”, Miss Davis says but Katya can tell that she is annoyed.  
“Actually”, Trixie continues, “I would like her to come to my chamber again after dinner”, she now looks at Katya who is clearly surprised.  
“Of course”, she says, her voice more quite than intended.  
“Very well”, Trixie says and turns around leaving Katya wondering what she could want from her. And Katya isn't the only one. When she turns around she sees Sara glaring at her, not even bothering to hide her curiosity. 

Katya wonders the whole day what Trixie could need from her. Probably, Katya thinks, just someone to listen to her, someone to talk to.  
Katya is probably the only person here, that can somewhat understand her, she can't very well tell Courtney about her situation. Or any of the other maids.  
Katya thinks, that the only person Trixie used to be able to talk to was Violet, but now that she's gone she must feel lonely.  
Katya knows loneliness too well. Too many nights had she spent sleepless when she was still in Russia, wishing someone was by her side. She didn't talk to Sasha about her feelings, even though she could have. She didn't really talk to Robbie either, only sometimes in rapid Russian of which he probably only understood half.  
No, Katya doesn't talk about her feelings, and she doesn't listen to others.  
But if Trixie wants to talk about hers, she is going to sit there and pretend she does.

As the day goes on Katya catches herself looking forward to seeing Trixie again. The two of them have nothing in common, apart from their gayness, and normally Katya despises people like Trixie. Rich, snobby people who have never worked a day in their whole life. Russia had had too many of those, in Katya's humble opinion. The Romanov family was the worst, of course, but there had been too many other noble people. Katya hates them and Katya hates rich people that take from the poor to enrich themselves even more.  
Yes, Katya should really hate Trixie, she embodies everything Katya despises, the reasons why she had been so eager to leave the country.  
But now she can't help but to think of Trixie as the day goes by.  
She feels sorry for the younger woman, and then she feels bad because she feels like she's somehow betraying herself, deviating from all her principles.  
Trixie is just so different.  
One the one hand she completely fits into the picture in Katya's mind. The picture of the bratty, snobby bitch that thinks she's better than everybody else.  
But then again, she is soft and vulnerable and probably just lonely.  
She still thinks that the whole world revolves around her, not once had she asked how Katya was feeling. It probably hasn't even occurred to her that the servant has feelings.  
Still, Katya finds herself to be intrigued. She finds herself wanting to learn more about Trixie Mattel. 

During dinner she isn't focusing at all. Her leg is bouncing under the table and Tatianna, who sits opposite of he, shoots her an annoyed look.  
Of course Ginger senses that something is wrong and she leans in closer.  
“Girl what is up with you today?”, she hisses, “you look nervous.”  
“I'm fine”, Katya responds unconvincingly and Ginger huffs.  
“Sure you are. You have eaten like two bites and I know damn well that the food is good. What is it, girl?”  
Katya sighs. She knows that she can't put her off, not this time.  
“Trixie asked me to come to her room after dinner”, she whispers so the others won't hear. Sara is looking at the two women nosily already.  
“Why's that?”, Ginger sounds surprised.  
“I don't know”, Katya lies. As much as she would like to tell Ginger, she just can't risk it.  
“Girl good luck”, the cook says and pats her on the back, “hope everything will go alright. She can be a total bitch.”  
“She can be”, Katya agrees.

She's nervous when she knocks on Trixie's door but when is she not?  
She's spent the whole way up to where Trixie's chamber is located overthinking.  
What if Trixie hadn't actually meant it when she said she wanted Katya to come?  
What if she's just making fun of her?  
Will Katya make a fool of herself?  
What if she has decided to fire her regardless of everything?  
What if, what if, what if.

Trixie opens and she looks better than she did in the morning. Much better in fact.  
She's still in her dinner attire, a pink dress with a high collar. Her hair is loose and falling down her shoulders, her curls almost covering her breasts entirely.  
She looks good, like the kind of woman Katya would turn around for, if she saw her on the streets.  
Not that Trixie would walk along the same streets Katya is.  
“You requested to see me, Miss Mattel?”, Katya curtsies and feels ridiculous. Trixie snorts.  
“Stop being silly”, she demands and opens her door a bit further so Katya can come in. She brushes against Trixie's side by accident and this single touch makes her blush.  
“I asked you to come here”, Trixie says in a formal tone, “because I have a proposition to make.”  
“A proposition?”, Katya asks. She doesn't know the word and she hates that she has to ask.  
“What is a proposition?”  
“A proposal, a suggestion. An idea for a deal”, Trixie explains and she doesn't seem to mind.  
“What kind of idea?”, Katya asks and Trixie smirks. She stands up straighter and shifts from one foot to the other, almost solemnly.  
“What would you say to-”, she pauses to make sure she has Katya's unconditional attention. She does.  
“-us becoming friends?”  
Katya's mind goes blank so she just stares at Trixie. She looks at her expectantly and Katya knows she won't take 'no' for an answer.  
“Friends?”, she repeats and Trixie nods excited.  
“Think about how fun that would be!”  
“Fun?”  
Trixie's face drops.  
“Do you not want to be friends?”, she looks incredibly sad all of the sudden and Katya suddenly realizes. She probably doesn't have anyone, now that Violet's gone and Katya already knows more about her than most people.  
“No, no, no”, she says quickly, “friends sounds nice. Good. Friends sounds good.”  
“Perfect”, Trixie squeals and claps her hands. It's childish and Katya feels a bit lost. She doesn't quite sure what to say or what to do but she doesn't have much time to worry because Trixie flings herself into her arms. For the third time this day.  
“But we can't tell anyone”, Trixie says when she's ended the hug, “people would find it suspicious. It has to be a secret.”  
“A secret. Okay”, Katya agrees and Trixie giggles.  
“How exciting!”, she says. Katya doesn't think so but she nods anyway.

“I don't want to sound pathetic or stupid”, Trixie says and Katya is caught of guard by the sudden turn of the conversation, “but you said that there are lots of women who are – you know...”  
“Gay?”, Katya says and it's clear that Trixie is embarrassed by it.  
“Yes. That”, she says and she scrunches her face as if Katya has just said a dirty word.  
“Can you tell me about them?”, she whispers and Katya's heart breaks for her.  
So she starts telling her about Sasha and about Laila and about the bar she visited with Robbie in Seattle where it was normal that men danced with men and that women danced with women. She talks about all the different kinds of people she's seen there, she talks about how she met Sasha and how she met Laila and how easy and familiar it all had been. Her heart hurts while she speaks of them, and suddenly she misses them or rather she misses what they gave her.  
She misses feeling a woman squirm under her, she misses soft lips on hers and she misses her hands tangled in another woman's hair while she etas her out. She doesn't say all of these things, not wanting to scare Trixie. She senses that the younger woman is inexperienced compared to her. So she just keeps it superficial and Trixie listens in complete awe, mouth opened.  
“Are there bars like this in Milwaukee?”, she asks and Katya shrugs.  
“I'm not sure. Maybe.”  
“Can we go?”, Trixie asks excitedly and Katya smiles at her, despite knowing that it's impossible.  
“Sure”, she says anyways and Trixie looks delighted.  
Katya doesn't know how long she stays there with Trixie, telling her about the women she's met and the bars she's been to. Trixie giggles when she tells her the differences she's made out in Russian and American women and Katya thinks she might even blush a little when she says that she prefers American ones because they tend to be curvier.  
Katya kind of feels like a mentor to the younger woman and for once Trixie lets her speak without interrupting her. For once it feels like the two are equals.  
Katya thinks maybe being Trixie's friend isn't too bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say Hi on tumblr [@trixyaas](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/trixyaas)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carefully, Trixie writes out her name, the chalk squeaks on the slate. It's a hideous sound, but right now it is the sound of Trixie writing Katya's name and it is almost melodic in her ears.  
> “There you go” Trixie hands the slate back to Katya, “try to copy this.”  
> Katya recognizes the letters from earlier and begins to write.  
> K A T Y A.  
> It looks nice written out like this she thinks, and she desperately wants to put Trixie's name right next to it but she doesn't know how to and she is too afraid to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even have an apology for why this is so late. But I'm glad you're all sticking around!  
> Thank you so much for all the lovely messages I've gotten and thanks for over 100 Kudos! This makes me insaely happy and proud! 
> 
>  
> 
> When I started writing this I was still quite new to the drag race fandom and I was under the impression that it was "cool" or "normal" to protray the girls that had a villain edit on the show as villains in fics. I don't agree with that anymore and that is why I changed Roxy's name in the story to 'Sara', which is really just the only name that I could think of in that moment.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! - Julie Xx

_April 1916_

 

 

Being Trixie's friend, as it turns out, has a lot of advantages.

She often requires for Katya to come to her room just to chat. She'd tell Miss Davis that she needs help with something and the older woman knows better than to question Trixie's authority. Katya can tell that it bugs her and that she's suspicious, that she doesn't like the two of them spending so much time together. Katya is, after all, a maid.

Katya feels like they are doing something forbidden when she senses Miss Davis's eyes on her, when she is watching her like a hawk. She knows they have to be careful even though they're not doing anything bad. At least Katya doesn't think so.

 

They talk and they laugh. Katya teaches her how to play Durak, a Russian card game. They sit together, on Trixie's comfortable bed and play round after round until Katya finally lets Trixie win.

“Ha!”, she shouts, completely oblivious to the fact that Katya could have ended the game about five rounds ago.

“Gotcha!”

“You sure have”, Katya smirks and Trixie flips her blonde locks over her shoulder.

“That was fun”, Trixie exclaims, “let's play it again sometime.”

“Sure”, Katya nods even though she originally had promised herself to not ever think of Russia and anything to do with Russia ever again. But Trixie is practically beaming with happiness and who is Katya to deny her such joy?

“Oh!”, Trixie suddenly jumps up from the bed, “I almost forgot. I have a present for you.”

“A present?”, Katya asks confused. She has never gotten a present before, not on her Birthday and not on New Years Eve.

Trixie nods excitedly and hurries over to the trunk in a corner of her room. She takes out a small parcel and presents it to Katya. She takes it carefully and opens it.

Inside is a big, heavy book, containing what must be thousands of pages.

She looks up to meet Trixie's eyes.

“It's a dictionary”, she explains.

“What's a dict-a dictio-”, she struggles with the pronunciation of the word.

“Dictionary”, Trixie finishes for her, “it's a book containing every single word of the English language. Isn't that brilliant?”

“Trixie...”, Katya says a bit unsure, “I can't read English. You know that.”

“I do know that”, Trixie says and her voice sounds excited, “which is why...”, she makes a dramatic pause, “I am going to teach you!”

She spreads her arms like a circus performer might after performing an exceptionally difficult trick. Katya isn't sure if she expects applause. She just stares at her blankly.

“Well”, Trixie says after a few seconds and crosses her arms over her chest, “I must say, I was expecting a little bit more excitement.”

“Sorry”, Katya mumbles, “I just don't know what to say.”

“How about 'Thank you, Beatrice, I would be delighted to have you as my teacher'?”

“Thank you”, Katya says obediently.

Trixie sighs.

“We don't have to if you don't want to.”

“No, no”, Katya says quickly, “I want to. I really do.”

“Good”, Trixie says with determination in her voice, “Then meet me tomorrow at 9 for your first lesson.” Her voice sounds strict and her eyebrows are raised, making her expression appear more stern than Katya has ever seen before. She's almost a bit intimidated.

“Do I have to call you Miss Mattel now?”, she inquires and Trixie's expression changes again.

“That would be so funny”, she squeals and throws her head back laughing, “But Beatrice is fine. I can't wait, this is going to be so much fun. See you tomorrow!”

“See you”, Katya mumbles as she leaves Trixie's room, the dictionary tightly clutched to her chest.

 

“What's that?”, Sara asks as Katya enters their shared room.

“A book”, she answers even though it's obvious.

“Where did you get it? Did you steal it?”

Katya scoffs. But of course she can't tell Sara that it was a present from Trixie. It's not that they're doing anything bad and it's not like she's forbidden to accept gifts from Trixie but she knows that Sara would certainly find it strange, if not suspicious.

“I bought it”, she therefore says but she can tell that Sara doesn't believe her.

“Lemme see”, she says and extends her hand, wriggling her fingers impatiently. Katya instinctively holds the book closer.

“No. It's mine. You wouldn't let me touch your stuff.” Sara rolls her eyes.

“God, you're so childish”, she huffs but Katya can tell that she knows she's right.

 

That night, Katya has a realization.

As she tosses and turns, desperately forcing her eyes shut and yet not being able to fall asleep, her mind wanders to Trixie.

She is shocked how well she can see Trixie's face in her mind. She's never been good at remembering faces and being able to think of them in such detail – it's highly unusual for Katya.

She tries to remember anyone else. Sasha, Robbie, Laila, Ginger, even Sara, but all of them appear blurry, not detailed at all.

Sure, she knows what they look like, well enough to recognize them on the streets, but she can't remember if Sasha has freckles, how Laila's lips curve, the way Robbie's eyebrows are shaped. All things that come immediately to mind when she thinks of Trixie.

 

She tries to convince herself, that that's not strange at all. Trixie has a certain presence that not many people have. There is something alluring about her, she just takes you in. Lots of people must be thinking about her that way, Katya thinks, Trixie has a face that you just don't forget.

Or maybe, another part of her brain says, you have a crush.

Which is weird.

Because Katya doesn't do crushes, oh no. Katya doesn't do feelings, she doesn't get attached.

It's not just weird, it's bad even.

She can't be crushing on Trixie who is basically her employer. It would be a silly thing to do and she would just end up getting hurt. There is no way that Trixie would have an affair with a maid.

Though she has shown a nicer side to Katya, she still knows she's better than her. She's still spoiled and arrogant. She has standards. High standards. Standards that Katya certainly couldn't meet.

 

Katya tries to tell her brain that she only thinks about Trixie that way because she knows she's gay. Because she knows she has a slight chance with her and because, honestly, it has been way too long since she has last been with a girl.

Trixie is just the obvious girl to think about, they see each other everyday. That's all.

But the thing is, you can't lie to your brain. Because essentially it's your brain trying to trick itself, fully aware of what it is trying to do. It just doesn't work, it's impossible.

 

 

 

A sharp knock wakes Katya up the next morning.

“Katya!”, Miss Davis comes in without an invitation to enter. A quick look to the other side of the room tells her that Sara isn't in her bed.

At first Katya thinks she overslept but when she glances at the clock she has at least another 40 minutes.

“Get dressed and meet me in 5 minutes!”, Miss Davis orders and shuts the door behind her.

Katya quickly scrambles out f bed and gathers her uniform. She doesn't have time to properly brush her hair so she just runs her fingers through it, trying to untangle the blonde strands from each other.

The whole time her mind is running wild, trying to think about why she's in trouble, _if_ she's in trouble.

When she finally stumbles into the hall, Miss Davis is stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. Behind her is Sara with a malicious grin plastered on her face.

As Katya gets closer she sees that Miss Davis is holding something. Her dictionary.

“Care to explain this?”, she asks and waves the book around.

“It's-”, Katya starts not quite sure what there is to explain, “I bought it so I could learn how to read in English.”

“Did you now?”, Miss Davis says, raising her eyebrows.

“U-huh”, Katya nods.

“Then why does it say here-”, she opens the book and reads out loud, “'This book belongs to Beatrice Mattel'?”

Katya closes her eyes, she can feel her heart beating.

“Now, Katya. I was willing to forget about the incident in the library, where you not only made a fool out of yourself but also out of Mr. Mattel and his whole estate. But I will not, ever, tolerate thieves in this household. Now go pack your bags and make sure you are gone by midday.”

For a moment, she is sure, her heart has stopped beating. She can see the taunting smile on Sara's face and the disappointment in Miss Davis' eyes.

“I didn't”, she whispers.

“What?”, Miss Davis snaps, “Speak up!”

“I didn't steal it”, she says, louder this time.

“Oh Katya”, Miss Davis sighs, “not only a thief but a liar as well?”

“I didn't steal it”, Katya insists, “she gave it to me.”

“Who?”

“Trixie gave it to me so-”

“Beatrice”, Miss Davis corrects her sharply.

“Right. Sorry. Beatrice gave it to me so I could write letter to friend of mine”, she tries to explain and she hates the way her accent comes out.

“Don't be silly”, Miss Davis says, “why would she give you her book?”

Katya shrugs:“You can ask her if you do not believe me.”

Miss Davis shoots her a sharp look.

“You know what?”, she hisses, “that is exactly what I am going to do.”

She stamps off and Sara follows here.

Katya is left alone in the gigantic hall and it makes her feel even smaller than she already feels all the time.

 

“Maybe it was mistake to come here”, she mumbles and Ginger stops her stirring.

“What do you mean? Coming to this house or-”

“Coming to America”, Katya sighs, “I do not belong here. I do everything wrong. Miss Davis hates me. Sara hates me.”

She had told Ginger about the book and Trixie's intention to teach her. Ginger had briefly raised and eyebrow, still not being able to believe that Trixie could actually be nice, but she hadn't said anything which Katya appreciated. She just listened.

“Nobody hates you, girl”, Ginger says but Katya just shakes her head.

“They do. I'm no good at being a maid. I'm not good at anything. I should have stayed in Russia and I should have died there.”

“Hey!”, Ginger says sharply, “I don't wanna hear you talk like that. Not in my kitchen. You belong here and I love having you here. Do you know how good it feels to finally be able to gossip with someone?”

Katya laughs weakly.

“Chin up, girl”, Ginger says, “I'm here whenever you need to talk.”

“Thanks”, Katya whispers and she has to try hard to hold back the tears.

How she wishes that she could talk to Ginger. To anyone really.

She desperately needs to tell someone about Trixie, about America, about everything. She wants to send Robbie a letter but she can't even do that, not yet at least. Katya feels stupid and small and she hates it.

 

“Katya”, a stern voice interrupts her thought process.

“Miss Davis?”, she half expects to get fired immediately. She knows it's ridiculous, that she has done nothing wrong and she trusts Trixie to have told the truth but there is that tiny voice inside her head telling her that she didn't. That she lied, that she said Katya stole the book.

“Did you talk to Beatrice?”, she asks carefully.

“I did and I owe you an apology”, she doesn't say it like she means it.

“Beatrice told me that she gave you the book as a gift. She also requires to see you right now. For your first lesson, as she says.”

Relief washes over her. She can feel Ginger gripping her arm and squeezing it once reassuringly.

“Thank you Miss Davis”, Katya stands up and can't help it to shoot a triumphant smile in Sara's direction. She leaves the kitchen and makes her way to Trixie's room. She has to contain herself not to run.

 

Trixie, to Katya's surprise, is a good teacher.

She had expected her to get frustrated easily, to groan when Katya makes mistakes and to give up on her after their first lesson. Trixie isn't known for her patience after all.

But she stays calm the entire time, praises her when she does something right and encourages her to try again when she doesn't.

They start by learning the alphabet. Carefully Katya draws rows and rows of letters on the little slate Trixie had stolen from the library.

Katya is smart, she is a fast learner and she is confident that she'll remember all the letters Trixie has taught her. She is eager to memorize everything she is teaching her. Katya wants Trixie to be proud of her.

“Okay so for the last thing today, you're going to learn how to write your name!”, Trixie says excitedly. She obviously loves this, being in charge, having an authority and Katya doesn't mind at all.

“My full name?”, she asks and Trixie blinks.

“Wait I don't even know your full name! I can't believe this. What is your full name?”

“Yekaterina Petrovna Zamoldchikova”, Katya says and Trixie laughs.

“I wouldn't know how to spell that”, she says, “that is a long name. Let's just stick with Katya for now, okay?” Katya nods and Trixie grabs the slate from her hands. Her fingers briefly brush against Katya's and she can feel her whole body shivering.

It really has been too long since she has been with a woman.

Carefully, Trixie writes out her name, the chalk squeaks on the slate. It's a hideous sound, but right now it is the sound of Trixie writing Katya's name and it is almost melodic in her ears.

“There you go” Trixie hands the slate back to Katya, “try to copy this.”

Katya recognizes the letters from earlier and begins to write.

K A T Y A.

It looks nice written out like this she thinks and she desperately wants to put Trixie's name right next to it but she doesn't know how to, and she is too afraid to ask.

“That looks so good!”, Trixie leans over her to inspect the writing. She's put one hand on Katya's shoulder to steady herself and she immediately tenses at the touch.

“You did such a good job”, she praises,”I really enjoy teaching you.”

“I really enjoy being teached by you”, Katya says and her voice hoarse.

“Taught”, Trixie corrects her.

“I really enjoy being taught by you”, she repeats and Trixie gives her a warm smile.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Katya”, she says, “let's see if you can remember what you learned today.”

 

She can remember everything. Trixie is surprised and giddy at the same time, she praises Katya's memory and she won't tell her how she stayed up all night drawing the letters on her thigh with her finger. She doesn't know how often she had written “Katya” on the palm of her hand. Not because she wanted to remember it for herself but to make Trixie proud.

“You have a natural talent”, the blonde woman exclaims, “you must be a prodigy!”

Katya has no idea what that means so she just smiles and watches the excitement on Trixie's face.

 

“Katya, you know Courtney, don't you?”, Trixie asks, suddenly changing the subject.

Of course, Katya remembers the Australian who is Trixie's Lady's Maid. They don't often meet and Katya doesn't know what she thinks of Trixie spending so much time with Katya. It should be her job after all, to serve as a confidante.

“I do”, she answers Trixie's question.

“Well there have been some exciting news. Nobody knows expect for Mother, Miss Davis and me. So if I tell you, you have to promise to keep it a secret.”

“I promise”, Katya says and Trixie takes a deep breath.

“Courtney is with child! Isn't that fabulous? Her and her husband are so excited!”

“That's great news”, Katya exclaims, she feels genuinely happy for her. She know that she is married to the chauffeur , Willam, who she sometimes sees in the kitchen.

“It really is”, Trixie says, “but the problem is, she won't be able to assist me anymore once the child is born. She'll have to take care of her baby and we can't afford to hire another Lady's Maid at the moment”, she explains, “well, under normal circumstances, Sara would become the new Lady's Maid. She's been here for so long and she is experienced. But, Katya, I begged Miss Davis! I almost went to my knees, I said 'Please, why can't Katya do it?'. And do you know what? She agreed! She says it's alright. We can spend so much more time together it's going to be fantastic. Isn't that great Katya?”

It takes her a while to understand everything that Trixie just said. She had been talking so fast with so much excitement in her voice, it had been hard to follow her.

“You want me to be your Lady's Maid?”, she asks for clarification and Trixie nods excitedly.

“Of course! It'll be so much fun!”

“But – I don't know the first thing about that”, Katya exclaims. She knows the duties of a Lady's Maid and she also knows that she isn't fit to meet them. She couldn't possibly be trusted to help Trixie dress, Katya doesn't know what's fashionable and what isn't. She doesn't know how to do hair, or make up.

She could mess up so easily and immediately all possible scenarios of how she could fail run through her head.

“I'm sorry, Trixie, I don't think I can do it. It would be much better if Sara would look after you. She has a lot of experience.”

It pains her to defend Sara and to recommend her for the job. She doesn't want her to spend time with Trixie, she doesn't want her to be close to her but ultimately she wants what is best for Trixie.

“Katya”, Trixie says in a stern voice, “Courtney will work here for at least another seven months. That is plenty of time for you to learn. She'd teach you everything you'd need to know. She has already agreed to it.”

“I really don't think this is a good idea”, Katya tries again.

She knows that the real reason why she is so reluctant.

She simply doesn't trust herself around Trixie anymore. She still feels her hand on her shoulder from where she had touched her the day before. She doesn't think she could handle helping her to dress. To undress. To bathe. Inappropriate images begin to form themselves in Katya's mind.

“Well too bad”, Trixie says, “because I say it is.”

“Trix-”

“Please”, she begs, “please, can't you at least give it a try?”

Katya sighs.

“Really, I don't-”

“Please, Katya, please!”, Trixie whines, “I thought you'd be so excited. I thought it would be hard to convince Miss Davis and not you. It will be so embarrassing to tell her that you won't do it, after I begged her for it.”

“Fine”, Katya relents, “I'll try.”

Trixie's face lights up.

“Oh I knew you'd say yes eventually”, she claps her hands together.

Katya smiles weakly.

“And”, Trixie continues, “I'll even forget that you called my by that horrendous nickname. Twice.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hesitantly, Katya brings the brush to Trixie’s head. She has to grab sections of her hair in order to brush it, and her hair feels just as soft as it did this morning. Involuntarily, she curls her fingers and her nails scrape Trixie’s scalp a little.  
> Trixie hums.  
> Katya keeps brushing her hair, strand by strand, until it's even softer and shines in the dim light. It almost looks golden, Katya thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the words of the impeccable @highonbrunost : "Gays. Brushing Hair."
> 
> Thank you so much to all 153 of you, that have left kudos on my work and THANK YOU to everyone who comments on my fic, whether it's on here or on tumblr. It really brightens my day and it means the world to me! 
> 
>  
> 
> This is probably the longest chapter yet and I hope you enjoy it!  
> Thanks for reading! - Julie Xx

“A Lady’s Maid”, Courtney tells Katya, “must possess good taste. It is essential.”  
The problem is, Katya doesn’t know the first thing about fashion, let alone the American one. She doesn’t know how to style hair, all she ever does with hers is brush it.  
She also thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. Why on earth would Trixie not be able to dress herself? From what Katya can tell, she is an intelligent woman who should know how to put on a dress.  
But she keeps her mouth shut, knowing better than to complain.

Courtney is very patient and shows her how to lay out a dress, how to fix simple hairstyles and how to look after Trixie’s impressive collection of shoes.  
She doesn't manage to hide her surprise when Katya reveals that she knows how to sew.  
“Where did you learn that?”, she asks, “that's really good work.”  
“I taught myself”, Katya replies. It's a lie. Her mother had taught her because they were too poor to buy new clothes. Katya can't recall how many times she had fixed the same coat before finally having to give up on it, when it was just a bunch of rags, threatening to fall apart at any second.  
Katya doesn't only know how to fix holes, she also knows how to make her own clothes. She doesn't tell Courtney this though, she wants to forget as much as possible about her life before coming to America.

“I'll be honest with you”, Courtney says one day, “when Beatrice first suggested for you to become the new Lady's Maid, I thought it was a horrible idea. I thought ‘How on earth can I teach her?’, bur you have really surprised me, Katya.”  
“Thank you?”, she replies not certain if she should take offense. But she couldn't be mad at Courtney one way or the other. There's something so charming and alluring about the woman that seems to draw everyone in. Maybe it's her honesty, Katya thinks. She has never heard anyone speak a bad thing about her.

“You know”, Courtney says, “Will says they've hired a replacement for you. An English girl. I think he said her name is Maxine but I could be wrong.”  
For a moment Katya hopes that this means that she will be able to move out of her shared room with Sara, but she quickly scratches that thought. Courtney will stay for at least another three months and there will be no point in her changing rooms. Katya knows that once Courtney has her baby, and she will be account for Trixie’s wellbeing, she'll move into what is now Courtney’s room. She's been there once and it's at least twice as big as the one she shares with Sara right now. It's nicer, she has her own bathroom and a bigger, and probably softer, bed. It's closer to Trixie’s room, which worries her.  
Since they are now “friends”, Katya can see Trixie sneaking out at night to visit her, or worse, expect for her to come to her room. Katya doesn't like to break the rules, she's messed up to many times already. She fears to get caught by Miss Davis, and if she did, even Trixie couldn't convince her to not let Katya go.  
But one the other hand, she fears to disregard one of Trixie’s wishes.

Maxine, or Max, seems lovely. She's a bit shy and obviously startled by Ginger’s loud mouth, but Katya doesn't doubt that she will be a better maid than her. She's secretly happy for Miss Davis, the poor woman has a lot on her hands and Katya knows that she hasn't particularly done anything to make her job easier. Quite the opposite, actually.

“England.”, Ginger wrinkles her nose when it's only her and Katya in the kitchen. The others have either gone to bed or are playing cards in the next room.  
“Probably thinks she's fancy with that accent of hers. Thinks she's better than us ‘cause she talks all posh.”  
“I like her accent”, Katya tries to defend the other girl, “I understand it better than yours.”  
“That's your loss, honey”, Ginger laughs, “I bet she doesn't the newest gossip.”  
“And you do?”, Katya knows she does, Ginger always seems to know about everything that's going on in the house.  
“Oh, definitely”, she replies, “this morning, for instance, little Miss Beatrice had quite a fight with her Daddy”, she gives a barking laugh.  
“What was it about?”, Katya asks trying not to sound too worried. She still hasn't told Ginger that she actually quite likes Trixie.  
“Something about going to a party at the Chachki household. Apparently our princess doesn't wish to attend”, Ginger sneers, “which is strange actually. She always seemed to be friends with what's her name.”  
“Violet”, Katya says before she can think about it. Ginger gives her a suspicious look.  
“Yeah I think that's it. How'd you know that?”  
“I heard it around here before”, Katya mumbles, “I'm good with names.”  
“Mhmm”, Ginger makes, “anyways. They seem to have had a fight or something, I heard it was about a man. Girls that age fight a lot about men, you know?”  
Katya just nods. She wonders if Ginger has a man somewhere, if she's ever been in love. The woman doesn't seem the type but she's only human. She must have feelings.  
She tries to picture it, Ginger with a husband. It’s hard, the woman is so bossy and Katya hasn’t met many men that like being bossed around. Ginger isn’t particularly pretty either. Maybe if she smiled more, Katya thinks, but she can’t imagine her smiling, not really. Not genuinely.  
“What the devil are you staring at?”, Katya’s study of Ginger’s face gets interrupted by her harshly.  
“Nothing”, she quickly says and looks to the floor.  
“You're in a weird mood today”, Ginger decides and attends back to her cooking.  
Katya stays in the kitchen for a bit and watches her until she's shooed away.

Somehow she finds herself back in front of Trixie’s door the next morning, even though she doesn't have lessons today. But she worries about her.  
As she knocks there is no answer, Trixie must be in the garden or maybe in the library. Maybe she has joined her mother and went into the town to buy yet another pair of shoes or maybe a hat.  
Katya stays in front of the door for a couple of minutes anyways, just in case. When there is still no sign of life behind the door she sighs and turns around - and almost collides with Courtney.  
“Katya”, the tiny woman says, “what are you doing here?”  
She is now visibly pregnant, her dress stretches over her stomach.  
“Oh I-”, she stammers trying to find an excuse. But Courtney seems reasonable and trustworthy, so she decides to just go with the truth.  
“I heard that Trixie, I mean Beatrice, had a fight with Mr.Mattel and I just wanted to see if she's alright”, she confesses.  
“Ginger can't keep her mouth shut, can she?”, Courtney chuckles, “Do you have anything to do right now, Katya? Or would you like to have a cup of tea with me?”  
Katya probably should go downstairs and check with Miss Davis. There is always something to do in the house and she does feel bad for shaking her head no.  
“Tea sounds lovely, thanks.”

Courtney leads her into her room and turns on her own little stove. She pours some water into a kettle and puts it onto the flame.  
Katya is sitting on a chair by a small table and watches her. Courtney’s back is arched and it looks funny when she walks, kind of like a duck, Katya thinks. It's hard to believe that there is a baby, an actual human being growing inside her.  
“What are you going to call it?”, she asks when Courtney takes the seat opposite of her.  
“We haven't quite decided yet”, she says, “if it's a boy then we'll name him Warner, after Willam’s grandfather.”  
“And if it's a girl?”, Katya asks and Courtney smiles.  
“It is. I can feel it. But we don't have a name for her yet. God, I hope it really is a girl”, her eyes glow.  
“I am very happy for the two of you”, Katya says and she means it. She hasn't known Courtney for long but there's something about her that makes it feel like they have been friends for ages.  
“Thank you”, Courtney smiles, “I hope one day you will be as happy as we are.”  
Katya knows that she means no harm by it, but somehow the words feel like a slap across the face. Of course, it is considered a woman's greatest happiness to give birth to a child. That's how it is in Russia, it's how it is in America, it's how it is everywhere in the world. But Katya has never thought about having children, that's something she bans from her thoughts entirely. She will never be a mother, she will never take a husband.  
In a way, Katya thinks, she is lucky. Trixie will probably have to get married one day, if it's just to please her father. Maybe Trixie will have children of her own that she will then give to a fostress, so she can raise them in her place.  
Trixie’s children would be beautiful, Katya thinks. Perhaps they'd have her blonde curly hair, her striking blue eyes and her smile. 

It's not that Katya doesn't like children, or that she doesn't want any, it's just that she will never become pregnant, she will never marry. She will probably die alone in twenty, thirty years. And that's okay.  
Because, Katya decides, she will die in America where she is happy and free.

“Perhaps”, Katy answers and Courtney offers her a warm smile.  
“So you wanted to see Beatrice?”, the change of topic should be welcomed by Katya but she finds herself shifting uncomfortably in her chair.  
“Yes”, she says and doesn't offer an explanation.  
“You spend a lot of time with Beatrice”, Courtney says. Then she sighs.  
“Actually, I was hoping you could give me an explanation. The two of them used to be thick as blood. Beatrice and Violet that is. But something must have happened and she won't tell me about it.”  
Courtney looks visibly upset and Katya feels a little bad for her. She obviously cares about Trixie, she's worried even. Katya had only met her a few months ago and yet she knows more about Trixie than what should be her most trusted confidante.  
Courtney is biting her bottom lip and looks at Katya with hope in her eyes.  
“I thought maybe she had mentioned something about it to you?”, it's a question not a statement.  
“No”, Katya replies, “I'm sorry I don't know”, she can't tell Courtney. God knows how she'd react.  
“Are you sure?”, she pushes, “anything at all? Has she maybe talked about a man? I heard this party today it's actually - no”, she cuts herself off, “I don't want to go around spreading rumors.”  
“Please”, Katya says too quickly, “I won’t tell.”  
“Fine”, Courtney sighs, “but mind you it’s only a rumor.”  
Katya nods eagerly.  
“Okay. So I heard that tonight's party is actually going to be Violet’s engagement party.”  
“Oh”, Katya says.

Oh. No wonder Trixie doesn’t want to go. She had thought that maybe Trixie doesn’t want to go, just because she doesn’t want to see Violet again. But that’s not it. Katya feels stupid for not realising sooner. Trixie loved Violet and maybe she still does.  
Katya has never been in love but she imagines it’s hard to see the one you thought you would spend your life with marry another. She doesn’t know Violet well but she feels bad for her. She will live an unhappy life, married to a man she cannot love. 

“And”, Courtney continues in a conspiratorial voice, “I have heard that she's going to marry Jonathan Wilson”, she makes a dramatic pause and Katya looks at her in confusion.  
“I don't know who that is”, she says after a few seconds have passed.  
“Oh of course, how silly of me”, Courtney exclaims. She lowers her voice when she continues, as if there was a risk of someone hearing them.  
“Jonathan Wilson is the son of Fitzgerald Wilson, one of Mr.Mattel’s business partners. Everyone thought that he was going to ask Mr.Mattel for Beatrice's hand. Everyone! See, the two if them practically grew up together. Beatrice has been waiting for him to ask her to marry her, she's told me. She was so convinced that she would be his bride, the poor thing. And now he's engaged to her best friend...it's a mess, honestly, it is.”  
“That's awful”, Katy says and her own voice sounds less than convincing in her ears but Courtney nods.  
“It really is”, she replies, “no wonder she doesn't want to go. Her and Mr.Mattel had a pretty big fight because of it”, Courtney sighs, “God, I hope it's only a rumour. She doesn't deserve to go through this, the poor girl.”  
Katy nods in agreement.  
She really doesn't deserve to go through this.  
“Now”, Courtney says in a more cheerful voice and stands up, “don't go and tell Ginger about all this, otherwise the whole house will have heard of it by supper.”

Katya is lost in her own thoughts when she makes her way back to the kitchen. She thinks about Courtney’s words, thinks about Trixie, thinks about Violet, thinks about how unfair the whole thing is.  
She doesn't notice her until she feels her hand close around her bicep.  
She looks up and meets Trixie’s eyes. They're red, Katya can tell instantly that she has been crying. There's a silent plea in them and she doesn't have to say anything, Katya just lets herself be dragged into Trixie’s room.  
There Trixie lets herself fall onto her bed and Katya sits next to her without being asked to.  
They sit next to each other in silence for a few minutes.

“I don't want to see her”, Trixie says, her voice is barely audible and Katya finds herself scoot closer to Trixie instinctively to be able to hear her better.  
“I don't think I can face her”, she says and Kaya’s heart breaks for her.  
“I know”, she says and her right hand finds its way to Trixie’s back. She just lets it sit there without moving it to reassure Trixie that she's there.  
The fabric of her navy blue dress wrinkles ever so slightly underneath Katya’s touch.  
“She's getting married”, Trixie manages to choke out and then the tears begin to fall.  
“I know”, Katya says again because she doesn't know what else to say, “I know.”  
“I didn't think I would find it this hard”, she sobs, “why is it so hard, Katya? Why does it hurt so much?”  
Because you loved her.  
Katya doesn't say it but she knows that Trixie knows.  
“It's okay to cry”, she replies instead and Trixie sobs.  
Suddenly Katya feels a hand on her hip and another one around her neck and it takes her a while to realise that Trixie is hugging her. Trixie’s head is rested on Katya’s shoulder and she can feel her breath on her neck. It tickles a little but Katya doesn't dare to adjust their position.  
Her right hand is still on her back and she lifts her left hand to stroke Trixie’s hair. It hovers above her head for a second, unsure if she should, but then she can feel Trixie shaking with tears and suddenly her fingers are gliding through Trixie’s blonde curls.  
“Shh”, Katya makes, “it’s going to be alright.”  
Trixie whimpers and Katya continues to stroke her soft hair. It’s longer than most other women wear it, it reaches down to her breasts and covers them. Normally Courtney braids it into eloquent ponytails but today it’s open and wavy. It’s beautiful and full and Katya feels a bit jealous when she thinks about her own thin hair that has always been too straggly to wear it long. Instead she cuts it so it only ever reaches her shoulders. She bets it’s not half as soft as Trixie’s hair and Katya suddenly realises that she could sit here for an eternity, just playing with Trixie’s hair.

Katya doesn’t like this. She hates the way she thinks about Trixie, she’s above her and she knows it. It’s wrong and stupid of her but when Trixie is so close to her, her body pressed against her own and her arms wrapped around Katya’s small waist it’s hard not to.  
Trixie lifts her head a little so that she is now looking at Katya. Her eyes are red and puffy and full of sadness.  
“Do you think she still thinks of me?”, she asks, her voice sounding thin.  
“She’d be stupid not to”, Katya answers and that makes Trixie smile.  
“You think?”, she asks excitedly and Katya rarely meets small children but she imagines that’s what they’re like.  
“Of course”, she reassures, “I’m sure she’d much rather marry you than that Jonathan man.”  
That sends Trixie right back to sobbing uncontrollably.

After some time Trixie has calmed down and Katya has to detach herself from her. The fingers of her left hand are tingling and she wants nothing more than to sink them back into Trixie’s hair.  
“I feel so bad”, Trixie mumbles, she’s still sitting next to Katya, their arms almost touching.  
“It’s okay to-”, Katya starts but Trixie interrupts her.  
“No, not because of her. Because I always cry and you’re always there for me and yet I know so little about you. I didn’t even know your full name!”  
Katya can’t help but to smirk a little.  
“It’s fine”, she tries to reassure her but Trixie shakes her head violently.  
“It’s really not”, she says, “we’re friends. This is a friendship! I want to know more about you! What are your parents like, do you have siblings, why did you come to America? What’s Russia like? Is it as cold as I imagine?”  
Katya stiffens and she involuntarily digs her nails into the palm of her her right hand.  
“It is very cold”, she says and hopes that Trixie doesn’t press on the topic but she just seems to get more excited.  
“Is that why you left?”  
Katya almost laughs at her naivety. The cold had been the least of her problems.  
She left because she barely made enough money to buy food, because the hours at the factory became longer and the money became less, because the work became harder and it hadn’t been worth it. Because her neighbours boy had starved to death and because she had seen the girl her brother used to see standing by the corner of the bakery that had had to close.  
But Trixie wouldn’t understand that, Katya thinks. She lives in a bubble far away from the harm the real world can bring and Katya doesn’t want to be the one to burst it for her.

“No”, she says, “I didn’t leave because of the cold”, her voice sounds harsher then she intendeds to but Trixie doesn’t notice it.  
“Then why did you?”  
“Because I never want to think about Russia again and I don’t want to talk about it”, she snaps and Trixie blinks at her visibly taken aback.  
“Sorry”, Katya mumbles. Trixie looks at her, her head crooked.  
“I should go now”, Katya stands up.  
“No”, Trixie says quickly and her hand reaches for Katya’s arm but she drops it before she can grab it, “you don't have to. I'm sorry for pushing you.”

The mood in the room has shifted and Katya feels uncomfortable. She feels hot suddenly and it's getting harder to breath.  
“It's fine”, she chokes out, “I have to see if I can help Miss Davis. I will see you later when you get ready.”  
Trixie doesn't reply, she just nods.  
“Sorry for getting mad”, Katya says again as she slowly backs out of the room, “I did not mean to.”  
She closes the door behind her before Trixie has a chance to answer her.

Miss Davis charges her with showing Maxine how to clean the great entry hall. Maxine is tall and skinny, her English accent sounds pleasant in Katya’s ears. She's very pretty, but she somehow manages to hide her beauty, so that it isn’t the first thing you notice about her. She's quiet and doesn't talk much, only nods when Katya tells her how to best clean the fireplace. She doesn't mind it, she prefers not having to talk much anyways. The two of them work together in silence and Maxine smiles at her when they are done.  
“Thank you, Katya”, she says and she drags out the first a in her name.  
She's polite and she'll fit right in with Miss Davis, Katya thinks. Hopefully the new girl will give her less trouble than she has. 

Katya manages to fit in a quick dinner before she has to make her way up to Trixie’s room to assist Courtney in getting her ready. She's unfocused, something that Ginger notices immediately. But the cook knows her well enough by now to not press on the issue. Instead she just chats away fully aware that Katya isn't listening.  
Her mind drifts off to Trixie, overthinking every word she had said to her this afternoon.  
Katya fears she might have messed up again and she feels anxious about having to go up there and face her once more.  
It is inevitable though and soon she can see Courteney standing by the door to collect her. The Australian doesn't seem to notice Katya’s shift of mood and talks away cheerfully.  
“I was thinking”, she says as they climb the stairs, “that tonight you could do Beatrice’s hair. It's going to be simple, no need to worry.”  
Katya’s heart beats faster at the thought of getting to touch Trixie’s hair again and she swallows hard.

“Come in”, Trixie’s voice sounds broken when she answers to Courtney’s knocking.  
Her eyes are red again, is the first thing Katya notices upon entering the room. She has been crying and all Katya can do is hope that it's because of Violet and not because of her.  
Courtney goes over to Trixie and hugs her. It looks rather funny because she is so much smaller than her and she needs to stand up on her tiptoes in order to lay her head on Trixie’s shoulder.  
Katya briefly wonders if she should go and hug her as well but then Courtney let's Trixie go, claps her hands together and says: “Right! We're going to make you look even more beautiful than you already are. Wilson should see that he's missing out.”  
Trixie offers a weak smile and looks up to meet Katya’s eyes.  
“Katya is doing your hair tonight”, Courtney explains.  
“I thought you wanted me to look beautiful”, Trixie counters and it takes Katya a while but when she finally understands she can't help but throw her head back in laughter.  
Trixie joins in and Courtney rolls her eyes.  
“You two are going to be lost without me”, she mumbles and walks over to Trixie’s enormous wardrobe.

Trixie sits down in her boudoir in front of a dressing-table. Katya positions herself behind her, a bit unsure of what to do. She grabs the small brush that lays next Trixie’s left hand, cautious not to accidentally touch it.  
Its handle is golden and heavy. Hesitantly, Katya brings the brush to Trixie’s head. She has to grab sections of her hair in order to brush it, and her hair feels just as soft as it did this morning. Involuntarily, she curls her fingers and her nails scrape Trixie’s scalp a little.  
Trixie hums.  
Katya keeps brushing her hair, strand by strand, until it's even softer and shines in the dim light. It almost looks golden, Katya thinks.

“You have beautiful hair”, Katya remarks in an attempt to break the awkward silence.  
“Thank you”, Trixie replies and her eyes meet Katya's in the mirror. She smiles and Katya grins at her.  
“You have nice teeth”, Trixie says and Katya brings her hand up to her lips to cover her mouth immediately. She has never really thought about her teeth before.  
“You do!”, Trixie exclaims when she senses her uncertainty, “they’re so straight and white.”  
“Thank you. I guess?”, Katya says and Trixie laughs even though Katya hasn’t told a joke. 

When Courtney emerges into the room, carefully carrying a blue dress, Katya is in the middle of pinning Trixie’s hair up. Courtney lays the dress over a chair, making sure not to wrinkle it and makes her way over to Katya and Trixie to inspect Katya’s work. She gently pushes Katya aside and it pains her to have to let go of Trixie’s hair.  
Courtney runs her fingers through it, hums, and Katya knows that she has absolutely no right to feel jealous but yet she does.  
“This isn’t bad”, Courtney remarks as she takes out a pin of the hairdo to pin it in another place, “Good job”, she praises her and Katya smiles giddily.  
“Maybe Beatrice won’t have to wander around looking like a mess after all, when I’m gone”, she says and Trixie laughs a little.  
“Right”, Courtney claps her hands and Trixie stands up.  
It’s like a ritual, Katya thinks but before she can think anything else Trixie starts to undress. 

She’s standing right there, wearing nothing but a white petticoat, the hem barely reaching her knees, and a pair of sheer stockings. The white dress hugs her curves and Katya can’t help but stare. She looks even more beautiful without the fancy dresses.  
Katya can feel a tingling in her lower abdomen and she almost gulps.  
Trixie goes back to the chair, her hips swaying ever so slightly and she sits down elegantly.  
Courtney kneels on the floor beside her and begins to slowly peel the stockings down from her legs.  
It’s too much for Katya. She wants to turn away, wants to run even, but her gaze is fixed on the way the thin material disconnects from Trixie’s skin, her fair hairs sticking to it as if they're not willing to let it go.

“Katya”, Courtney’s voice snaps her out of her thoughts, “be a dear and grab the stockings from over there, yeah?”  
She points over to where she has laid out the dress and Katya walks over, her hands slightly shaking.  
The new stockings are black with small silver flowers embroidered on them. They look and feel expensive and Katya is afraid that she might rip them just from gripping them too tight.  
She stalks over to Courtney and Trixie and wants to hand them to Courtney but she shakes her head.  
“You do it”, she says and stands up, using the arms of the chair to stable herself. Automatically, Trixie’s hand shoots forward and grabs her arm to help the pregnant woman up.  
“Doctor says I can't kneel for that long”, Courtney explains to Katya, “I'll sort out the shoes.”  
“I-”, Katya says but Courtney has already left the room, leaving her alone with Trixie.

Trixie gives her a sympathetic smile, sensing her discomfort.  
“What do I do?”, Katya asks and she feels a little helpless.  
“Just help me put them on”, Trixie says.  
“I don't want to rip them.”  
“Don't worry about, I have other pairs.”  
The room seems to have gotten hotter and Katya can feel little beads of sweat forming on her forehead. She kneels down and hopes it looks at least somewhat graceful.  
She can feel the rough carpet beneath her bare knees and shifts a little.

“Been a while since you knelt in front of a woman?”  
Katya’s head shoots up. Her cheeks flush dark red and her eyes widen.  
“I'm sorry!”, Trixie says but she can't hide a little smile creeping onto her face, “That was uncalled for, I'm sorry. Courtney’s been telling me that I can be too blunt.”  
Katya's face is burning. She bites her lip.

It is almost as if Trixie is able to read her thoughts. If she only knew how often she has been thinking about scenarios like that. How many nights she has laid awake, fantasising about moments resembling this one.  
She can feel Trixie’s hand on her shoulder and looks up. Trixie looks serious now, no trace of a smile.  
“Hey. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”  
“It's fine”, Katya mumbles and begins to roll up the stockings so it's easier for Trixie to put them on.  
“I bet I've knelt in front of more women than you”, she then says, quietly, just loud enough for Trixie to hear.  
Trixie gasps and then starts to laugh the laugh Katya so loves to hear.  
She grins and holds the stockings ready for Trinke to step in.  
“I love it when you make jokes”, Trixie says, “you’re so funny!”  
Katya blushes once more. Trixie’s hand is still on her shoulder and she can feel her nails digging into her skin. She hopes it leaves a mark.

Carefully she begins to roll up the stockings. Her breathing hitches once she goes past the knee and she thinks that she can feel Trixie’s grip tighten around her shoulder but maybe she's just imagining it.  
Trixie has long legs, she only just realises. She wants to leave small kisses up and down them.  
Katya swallows. She knows that she shouldn't think that way. It's dangerous and it will only come with heartbreak and misery.  
She runs her hand up and down Trixie’s legs to smoothen the material and prevent it from wrinkling.  
When she looks up, Trixie is looking back at her, her cheeks flushed pink.  
“Thanks”, she rasps and Katya quickly stands up and takes a few steps back instinctively to get some distance between them.

“You two sounded like you had fun”, a voice says behind Katya and she realises that she has briefly forgotten about Courtney’s existence. She whirls around and Courtney is standing in the door frame, holding a pair of blue boots. They have to be laced up and have a heel. Trixie will be even taller than Katya than she already is, when she's wearing them.

Katya doesn't look at Trixie when Courtney helps her to step into her dress and when she bends down to lace up her shoes. She feels like she's going to explode if she dares to glance at Trixie even once more.  
“What do you think, Katya?”, Courtney asks and she is forced to lift her head and there she stands, looking even more beautiful than she normally does. The dark blue looks exquisite against her pale skin. It accentuates her curves and some strands of hair have made their way out of Katya’s hairdo and are now framing her face.  
There's a smile on her lips and she looks at Katya, a hopeful look in her eyes.  
“I think”, Katya says, her voice lower than usual, “that Violet is going to feel so stupid.”  
Trixie raises an eyebrow and Katya realises what she has just said. She quickly looks over at Courtney but she just smiles obliviously.  
“And more important”, she says, “so will Jonathan!”  
“Of course”, Katya laughs nervously and Trixie joins in.  
“I hope they will”, she says.

 

Katya storms into the kitchen once she has watched Trixie and her parents leave. The sad look had returned to Trixie’s eyes but Mr.Mattel had sternly shoved her out of the door and into the car.  
“I need some water”, Katya rasps and Ginger quickly fills up a glass.  
“Jesus”, she remarks as she watches Katya gulp the liquid down in one go, “is helping our princess really that exhausting?”  
“I don't think I can do it’, Katya says in a low voice, so no one else will be able to hear her, “this is all too much. I don't think I can do it.”  
She swears in Russian and Ginger lifts an eyebrow.  
“What do you mean, you don't think you can do it?”, she inquires.  
“I mean”, Katya says slowly, “Ginger, I mean, I think I have to leave. I think I have to quit.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say Hi to me on Tumblr [@Trixyaas](https://trixyaas.tumblr.com)


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